So I finally make it to the restroom during my lunch break. I was at Target and luckily the bathroom was empty. I stepped up to the urinal and began the "process", but immediately ran into problems. It just wasn't working right, so I gave up and went to a full stall to sort it.
Now I get it - that morning I had put my underwear on BACKWARDS?!?!?!?
That was yet another lifetime first.