Friday, February 6, 2009

Deep Thoughts from the Shallow End #1

I have been on the facebook (I like saying “the face book”) pretty heavy the last few weeks, getting caught up in the excitement of seeing people I haven’t seen in 20 years. I am especially amazed at how many old people I went to high school with. While it has been nice to see the great successes in others lives, either professionally or personally, I have also caught up on some of the tragedies. I have learned that the cute little 12 year old girl who lived next door to me had such a hard time that in the end she took her own life. Since I wasn’t there for the bad times, to me she is still the happy 7th grader and it is hard to bridge that gap in my mind. Just this week a very good friend of mine let it be known that he is getting divorced, and another person shared with me that my pictures of some happy couple 20 years ago are now broken apart.
Now I don’t know the stories about these particular people and wouldn’t pretend to guess, but it has got me thinking about some stuff I have read or experienced. About half of those in love couples you see get married will get divorced. Now sometimes they probably should, but occasionally it is an accumulation of a lot of little steps in the wrong direction. What gets me the most, and again I am speaking generally (and absolutely not about anyone specifically), is when I here someone say we are married in the Temple (i.e. an official Mormon wedding) so we have a better marriage. I know quite a lot of people who not only believe this, but have said it out loud. While a temple wedding statistically speaking has better odds of surviving, it is no guarantee of success, or that it will be a happy one at that. Too often people use that ceremony as an excuse to get lazy and not do all the work to keep a marriage up. It is hard work to have a successful marriage,and there if you believe for one second that your temple certificate has given you a free pass you are probably in for a very tragic surprise one day. Any two people can be happily married, just some require a hell of lot more work than others.
What am I trying to say? I don’t know except if you were to talk to most divorced people I feel they would tell you how hard it was on them. You should marry well to begin with and do not ever assume for one minute that you will always be as happy as the wedding day; be working every minute to shore up the weak parts. Because up until the second the I35 Bridge collapsed, everybody assumed it was secure, safe, and would last forever.


Heather said...

Thanks "David downer"
Maybe it is a Utah thing, but I know just as many divorced people who got married in the temple as I do the civil divorcees. sad but true.
That's why Randy isn't allowed to divorce me no matter how much coke I drink. :)

meredith said...

I love the title of your post.. I think that temple marriages probably do better than others b/c there's no death do you part clause. Knowing that your saying forever is a big deal. That said, saying forever at 18 or 21 is so hard since you're just not done forming who you'll be. so, even if we're dead on even with the rest of the world Ithink a lot more of our marraiges make it when you are comparing the percentages based on age.
Either way, I agree with David, your marriage is work not a continual party.

Lisa said...

Hey I hope you enjoy all the work you have to do to keep us happy. Concern for each other is high on the list of things you need to keep together. Do I care about my spouses happiness as much as mine? Is there anything in their life causing them stress that I can lessen? Who knows, marriage is tough and yet when it's good it's great.

By Me said...

I think, and mind you, I have a pounding headache so I hope this comes out right, I think - as a non-married person, your marriage is as good as the people in it, regardless if you are married in the temple or not. If you are a solid team - that gives and takes, gives each person the room to breath, I think marriage is what you make it, not what it is or thought to be - with or without the temple marriage. As a single - and seeing good marriages (married at in the temple) and good marriages (not in the temple) - people are people. if people can change with life, the marriage will stay strong. if the people can't change with life, than the marriage is doomed. As a single-marriage is secondary to my life. If i get married great - if it happens at the temple - great, if the marriage happens in a church - I am to be so lucky. I want a temple marriage, and have been promised one - but with the way marriages break apart, single life may be the way to go...
I do think it is how a couple react in a marriage and not how they act that keeps the marriage alive and strong.

And that is by observing everyone I see as they are in front of me. I really observe all you married people at church. Some of you are an inspiration and some are.....lets just say, I appreciate my singlehood! :)

Ann Anderson