You can call me Hay Bale

The Set Up:

JT has been JT his whole life (Jay Tee) though his actual name is Joseph Talmage.

The Pay Off:

I was reading with Cenny the other day, or rather Cenny was reading aloud to me when the character in the book said: "My name is Alexander, but you can call me Al."

Except Cenny didn't say Al (rhymes with Pal), she said AL (rhymes with Hay Bale).

This make me happy, and I might have to call Cenny Hay Bale from now on. It's a pretty good nickname.**

**yes, I am proud of the correct usage of It's versus Its

The Scars of Youth

I noticed today one of my interactions has been permanently inf; influenced by my Mom. A scar so to speak that has changed me. Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying this in a negative way, more just a neutral observation.

Whenever I hear Another Brick in the Wall by Pink Floyd the first thought to enter my mind is my Mom ranting about how terrible this song is and how irresponsible the band is because they use BAD GRAMMAR!!

"It is clear that these kids really do need education. 'Don't need no'; I mean, really!"

And on and on she would go for the whole song. Through some Pavlovian training I cannot enjoy this song at the highest level because my interaction has been damaged. I cannot hear it without also hearing my Mom too.

Not necessarily a bad thing, just part of the weird mixture that is me.

What scars are you toting around? And are any of them indirectly affecting your more meaningful interactions?

About Last Night, or Not Really A Bucket List

As I said in a previous post I am not really thinking in terms of a bucket list, but I do admit that I need to make changes to my general health if I want to have a long life. I was actually thinking in terms of just making changes to my outlook on life, or rather, the way I interact with it. I had my first opportunity last night to implement these changes.

So several months ago I read a book called Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert (but for some reason I cannot find my post on it). In it Gilbert posits that we as human beings are absolute crap at predicting what will make us happy. We set these very narrow standards at what will make us happy and when we vary off that target we predict we will be unhappy. This sets us up for a lot of self fulfilling prophecy of sadness in which we end up missing opportunities for joyful moments. Please watch the video below where Gilbert discusses various extreme events (paralysis and winning the lottery) and which makes people happier).

Anyways an example from my own life is pears. My exposure to pears growing up was limited to fruit cocktail in the can. We had that for dessert about 3 times a month growing up and I absolutely detested the pears (favorites in order are cherries, grapes, pineapples, and peaches) in so much that I would pick them out. Now that was no easy task given their small size and very similar color to the pineapples. I hated the pears so much that I went 35 years purposely avoiding them because I DO NOT LIKE PEARS. It was part of my identity.

Then one day I saw some Anjou pears for sale in the grocery store. They looked so good I bought a few pounds for the kids, but then they tempted me. I tried one to confirm that my core being hadn’t changed; I hate pears. But major paradigm shift later and now I am the guy who checks the fruit section of store EVERY TIME I go shopping to see if they have any Anjou pears in stock. What is the point of this story? Well I wasted 35 years of my life based on the prediction that eating pears would be an unpleasant experience and thus make me happy. Or conversely I believed that avoiding pears would make me happy and I was wrong.

Here is another shorter example for you to mull over. More often than not are truly great moments of real happiness come from unpredicted, unplanned events. Assuming you are in a happy relationship, think back to how you met your significant other – planned or random? It was completely random set of events that led me to Lisa (and vice-versa) and that has led to twenty years so far of the happiest moments of my life.

So what does that mean for you and me? We need to spend a lot less time setting up all these arbitrary standards for us to be happy, and more time finding happiness in all the moments we get. Stuck in traffic – don’t worry, be happy. I was stuck in traffic on I35 driving to the Twin Cities a while back. It was very frustrating to have all the construction slowing us down. Now while I turned off to go to the St. Paul side, I have to wonder how many people who where stuck along side me avoided the bridge collapse that happened just a few miles up the road from where we were that same afternoon? If my clueless school counselor hadn’t have passed the buck on writing my recommendation to the one teacher I had had verbal altercations with (and even filed a complaint about), maybe I would have made it into the Coast Guard Academy and then I would have never met Lisa. (of course I had never been on a boat either I have since learned I get violently sea sick). I was angry at the time but what a blessing that has turned out to be. Ms Mayers where ever you might be – I owe a lot of my happiness to your crap teaching, man hating, personality disorder – who knew?

So long story longer, what did I do? Two things I believed would never lead to happiness, first is a choir concert, and second is a long bus ride with people I don’t know. These are things I have been avoiding since forever and I totally could have avoided again. But as I told Lisa I wanted to go just to see if I could give up my narrow views and to see if happiness could be found in any moment. So last night Lisa and I rode the parents coach up to Minneapolis to see Gunnar and the AHS choir participate in a 6 choir show. You know what, I had a good time. It was fun, the performances were great, the venue was beautiful, and we had a great conversation with our neighbors on the way up, and met another parent at the show. Plus our son was very happy for us to be there.

What are you avoiding? Reframe it; What moments of great happiness are you missing out on because you are too busy being unhappy?

I am so proud

My oldest made the local paper today. Here is the picture.

His excuse for being the only one dancing was "It was a break and nobody was doing anything; and I do NOT SIT DOWN for the chorus of Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus."

**If you read the article it says 9th graders. Gunnar is in 11th grade and is a student leader for them so he is actually setting the example, allegedly.

I am totally this guy

When I play golf.





via Bits and Pieces

It turns out I am not as pervy as previously thought

A few weeks ago I saw a trailer for the movie Percy Jackson and the Olympians. In it I saw something that reminded me of a literary idea I have been wrestling with and before I proceeded I wanted to check it out. Just making sure I wasn’t walking down an already worn path. Anyways all was well and the books were really fun. I told my family about them and most read all five in the series as well.

I also decided (look at me – the powerful man who will be obeyed!!) we should go see the movie as a family. Here comes the pervy part. In Harry Potter book 1 the kids were written as being 11 years old. Here is a picture of Hermione Granger (Emma Watson) in the first movie.

Pretty good representation of a 11 year old.

In book one of Percy Jackson the kids are written as 12 years old. Here is a picture of Annabeth Chase(Alexandra Daddario) in the first movie.

Either 12 year olds have really changed or I have totally got my creepy uncle vibe going on. Luckily IMDB is there to set the record straight as the actress is 24 years old. The movie went with an older portrayal of the kids to sell it as a teen movie (I guess). So no need for me to start growing facial hair, this Annabeth is acceptably hot and that only makes me mildly creepy. Just like all you Taylor Lautner fans ladies (except he is like totally underage you bunch of perves!)

A BYU Story

“I did not have sexual relations with that woman!”

I saw a link to a new website the other day called Passive Aggressive Notes.

What led me here was a post featuring a note written at my alma mater BYU, the bastion of overly self righteous Mormons everywhere. Anyways the note was left on the windshield of a young woman who had parked outside her then boyfriend/now husband’s apartment building, the infamous King Henry Apartments. It is now framed and hangs in their house. Here is the text in full:

Hi – You don’t know me but I’ve noticed that you go into #306 apt. late @ night & I sometimes see you coming out in the morning & it’s obvious that you sleep over there b/c your car is parked @ King Henry all night. I know that it’s really none of my business, but my roommates & I think that it is inappropriate to be staying @ a boy’s house all night. I feel like I should talk to someone about this problem, perhaps King Henry, but I think that you could & should fix this problem on your own w/out my intervention.

Thanks for your time

-Have a great day :-)

I just love the “it’s none of my business” line but then they proceed to make it all of their business. The underlying message is they have completely assessed the situation and have judged you to be a filthy sinner, and that is okay because as a stone thrower they are completely without sin. The obnoxious smiley face at the end is just perfect. Bloody hell, isn’t there always one of these people (the note writer) in every ward in the church.

Anyways this completely accurate depiction of all that was annoying about BYU reminded me of my own experience with single housing. I dropped out of college as a senior and moved to Minnesota; I like to say it was to “find” myself. After working for a couple of years with Juvenile delinquents I did manage to find something out, mainly that I was an idiot for dropping out. Anyways, my wife was working, we had two kids, a car payment, and a mortgage (our first house was only $27,000 – those were the days), but at the same time it was not possible to transfer to a local college. So luckily my Mom moved in to look after the kids while I went back to BYU solo. My wife garnered a lot of “who are the fancy people with the live-in English Nanny” around town because what little accent I have is completely non-existent unless I am living there; so it wasn’t obvious that she is my Mom.

I moved into single housing just of campus and paid the whole semester’s rent upfront. Now I went with single housing because it was under $200 a month as opposed to $1000 plus for married. While going over the contract it come out I was actually married and not single. Well this caused quite a stir and the manager went into the office to make a phone call to the owner, and after a lengthy conversation it was decided I could live in the apartment complex only if I signed a special contract that explicitly stated I would not have sex with my wife. I thought to myself “I don’t know what rumors you have heard, but it isn’t that impressive that it could reach to Minnesota”, but kept it to myself and quietly signed the papers.

It has become one of those great life experiences that sounds to outlandish to be true, but is really funny to share. You have to remember the culture at BYU, sex outside of marriage will totally get you expelled, so while I am not saying it didn’t go on just like other universities, unlike them it is kept very deeply buried in the closet; hidden away as much as possible. The best part of the whole experience though is this is the apartment I shared with the Mo-famous actor Lincoln Hoppe AND I get to tell people even though we have been together about 20 years we did separate for a while.

And now we are fifteen years on from that experience I can freely admit that when I went back to Minnesota for my one visit, Lisa and I totally did it, like several times.

Good To Know

Created by Online Education

Most people get $40 or less, the maximum is $200.

Sperm banks pay the most for young men who are taller than 6", attractively built, possess advanced degrees and have proof of a very healthy family tree.
Don't worry if the number seems low because banks are INCREDIBLY picky.

Can We Say Awkward???

I know the gays love me, being I am a totally hot guy, but sometimes even I am caught off guard.

So I was at the grocery store picking up some stuff for Lisa - because she is very demanding. Anyways, I am checking out when the DUDE bagging my stuff looks at me, and in a quiet voice says:

"I get off work at 10pm."

I was like ok, whatever, and then I quickly got out of there. I hope he doesn't wait for me too long.

***For those of you not in the know, my oldest works as a bag boy at the grocery store***

The Law of Balance Screws Me Again

I got my bonus at work Thursday and it is higher than last year AND more than we were expecting.

By Thursday night the new picture window cracked and the Hot Water heater broke.
It is as if the house knew!

(Picture of creepy all knowing House)

Sexist Double Standards

So with the release of the latest Twilight movie New Moon, I am seeing a lot of women swooning over Team Jacob. Our young werewolf hero Jacob, as portrayed by Taylor Lautner, spends a lot of the movie shirtless.

So we have a lot of 40 something women openly expressing their appreciation/desire for a 17 year old boy and yet the general reaction is "Well, he is hot!!" So the bottom line is it is totally okay.

Yet if I as a 40 year old male were to vocally swoon over say Hermione Granger, as portrayed by Emma Watson

The general reaction would be that I am a sick, disgusting, old pervert who should be locked up, even though she is totally 19.

See, sometimes the double standards work in your favor ladies.

What Would Tommy Monson Do?

I had what we in the RM business call a golden opportunity, but I let it pass unanswered.

The Set-up. I was at the Doctor's for my annual check up and was being registered by the new medical assistant. She was an extremely bubbly 50 something who talked excitedly the whole time she took my vitals. Then she began typing in ny history including my living arrangements.

I said I was married and lived in my own home. She began typing lives with wife but accidentally wrote wifes.

Her: "Oh look, I have given you extra wives" (followed by laughter)
I immediately felt like I should say "Well actually I am Mormon," and then possibly have a gospel conversation.

Instead I resisted the impression and just gave her a courtesey laugh and let the moment pass.

Missionary Fail :-(

Rejected Book Proposal #1

Given the success of Julie and Julia, wherein some regular Joe tries to imitate somebody well known for fame and fortune, then blogs about it; I have decided to pursue the same path.

Starting next week Lisa and I will be making costumes and actively trying to recreate all of William Shatner's love scenes. It will probably be a Wednesday night thing - so please no phone calls between 9:30 and 9:32 pm - because it is BUSINESS TIME (Making Love for 2, Making love for 2 minutes, because when you are as intense as I am, 2 minutes is all that you need).

We will probably start with this because we already have the outfits and it is pretty close to Lisa's normal hair style.

I suspect Amy Adams will also play me in the movie too.

Honey I think I missed a spot

Nothing will make your evening more than being woken up by a child with explosive and uncontrollable diarrhea. Luckily his room was littered with dirty clothes because that made the clean up a little easier as a lot fell on them. But I still had to strip the bed, pick up the clothes, clean the carpets on the landing (of the stairs) and hallway, and shower the kid. Then I remade the bed and got the laundry started, so all in all a long night – if you don’t count the stress of thinking “Maybe it was something he ate?” Because you know that you and everyone else ate the same thing.
All ended well and he felt better in the morning and nobody else got sick. Then I went into the small bathroom to take a shower before work. Upon shutting the door is when I saw it – the brown smears down its length. Maybe I am a bad man or just a bad father/husband, but I got dressed went downstairs and as I headed out the door said …

I can’t have all the fun; that wouldn’t be fair (or equitable).

I, for one, am so proud

Finally we have some leadership here in Minnesota!!

Vacation of the mind

I have been on vacation both physically and mentally. Upon returning from Iceland I have spent all my time on Facebook playing silly games (bouncing balls) and Mafia Wars (I am level 20 and Parker is too). I do have about 100 pictures loaded up from Iceland on my profile page so please friend me if you want to see more (david michael peters), and please friend Parker as he is always open to meeting new people (parker peters)**. Though to be honest, Parker has some perverse interests in bodily functions and photographs of dogs in compromising positions.
Who knows, you might beat my high score on bouncing balls, or maybe even my good friend Sharon’s score, though I am pretty sure she made some sort of pact with the evil one to do so well.
**Please note I will unfriend anyone who abuses friend lists (i.e. people whose only goal is a high friend total), write disparaging comments abou tme (no matter how true they are), or are militant supporters of the United Way.

Some Photos

Grey Goose

Icelandic Horse - Cute and Delicious

Glacier Bay - Think Tomb Raider & Die Another Day

Words Cannot Express

Iceland is a natural wonderland - Geyser

Literally 100's if not 1000's of towering waterfalls

And of course, Cool American flavor

DON'T YOU DARE JT!!!!

Please Note JT FINALLY lost his first tooth (he truly was the last in his class)

JT comes in the house and finds Lisa.

JT: Mom, Mom. A a guy on the street just told me if I give him a dollar I can hit his car with my stick (JT has small tree limb in his hand).

Lisa: NO! Don't you dare JT. You never hit people's cars and it probably isn't his car anyways.

Lisa tells me this when I get home from work, and how disappointed JT was; I share with her what I know.

That's right. The church across the street is running a charity car bash.

Separate note. Last year I found 67 cents on my bike commuting and walks. This year I am up to 9 cents already. Given that my office is having a walking and cycling contest this summer, I have high hopes of beating that number.

BTW, I finally had to replace someting on my bike, so here is some exclusive full-frontal bike porn of my new crank. Oh yeah baby!

If you are not into the close ups, here is a full body shot. Notice that I work at a large corporate headquarters with several hundred employees, most of them working within 5 miles of the office. I am the only one who rides a bike to work in the whole place. The other two bikes (including the sweet bent) are from the night time cleaning crew. That is pretty sad.

I didn't know you could put a price on it

The Devil's butt goes for 99 cents a pound - who knew?

Butt Roast - 666

He is our smartest

If you have a lot of children I suggest having them all in band or in orchestra, but not both. We have been to four school concerts in the last week alone and it is tiring. Luckily Gunnar has settled on just being in band like Qatar so that is keeping the events down, but we have already told the next three – No String Instruments for you. Cenneidigh wanted a violin but will probably play the flute now (girlie), but I am hoping for the trombone. Have you seen the cost of band instruments lately? We have yet to buy anything for the boys as we just can’t afford it, and that is with being told Gunnar could get a Tuba scholarship for college.

Anyways we are at the middle school band concert and it is a lively affair with guitars and drums in the mix when JT states he wants to play the drums. It was right after the drum solo during Smooth. Well they have a rule in our school system that you cannot play percussion without two years of piano under your belt. Well Lisa relates this to JT because we can’t afford drums or to get him into lessons, but unlike the rest of our children who would have accepted that without pause.

JT says: That is not the law Mom. That is just a school rule. You are allowed to play drums without piano in real life. Now you have to say that with all the “exasperated at the dumbness of your parents” that a 7 year old can generate. I turned to Lisa and ask her to refute our little genius. She can’t and says that is just the way it is JT.
After a few seconds he quietly asks to start piano lessons. Three kids at piano at $18 a lesson with the next two needing to start lessons as well. This innate musical ability our children have – not from us – is killing us slowly.

Even More Fun

Do you know what is more fun than trying to talk your Mom through instant messaging on Facebook through the phone? (and I know that is hard to beat)

That would trying to talk your wife through folding an origami box through the phone.

Lisa: Hey, do you remember that box you should me a few weeks ago?
Me: Yeah
Lisa: Can you tell me how to do that, I am teaching a class on geometric shapes.
Me: Okay

And so the fun began.

Anyways, here it is the directions for those of you want to play the home game.