A BYU Story

“I did not have sexual relations with that woman!”

I saw a link to a new website the other day called Passive Aggressive Notes.

What led me here was a post featuring a note written at my alma mater BYU, the bastion of overly self righteous Mormons everywhere. Anyways the note was left on the windshield of a young woman who had parked outside her then boyfriend/now husband’s apartment building, the infamous King Henry Apartments. It is now framed and hangs in their house. Here is the text in full:

Hi – You don’t know me but I’ve noticed that you go into #306 apt. late @ night & I sometimes see you coming out in the morning & it’s obvious that you sleep over there b/c your car is parked @ King Henry all night. I know that it’s really none of my business, but my roommates & I think that it is inappropriate to be staying @ a boy’s house all night. I feel like I should talk to someone about this problem, perhaps King Henry, but I think that you could & should fix this problem on your own w/out my intervention.

Thanks for your time

-Have a great day :-)

I just love the “it’s none of my business” line but then they proceed to make it all of their business. The underlying message is they have completely assessed the situation and have judged you to be a filthy sinner, and that is okay because as a stone thrower they are completely without sin. The obnoxious smiley face at the end is just perfect. Bloody hell, isn’t there always one of these people (the note writer) in every ward in the church.

Anyways this completely accurate depiction of all that was annoying about BYU reminded me of my own experience with single housing. I dropped out of college as a senior and moved to Minnesota; I like to say it was to “find” myself. After working for a couple of years with Juvenile delinquents I did manage to find something out, mainly that I was an idiot for dropping out. Anyways, my wife was working, we had two kids, a car payment, and a mortgage (our first house was only $27,000 – those were the days), but at the same time it was not possible to transfer to a local college. So luckily my Mom moved in to look after the kids while I went back to BYU solo. My wife garnered a lot of “who are the fancy people with the live-in English Nanny” around town because what little accent I have is completely non-existent unless I am living there; so it wasn’t obvious that she is my Mom.

I moved into single housing just of campus and paid the whole semester’s rent upfront. Now I went with single housing because it was under $200 a month as opposed to $1000 plus for married. While going over the contract it come out I was actually married and not single. Well this caused quite a stir and the manager went into the office to make a phone call to the owner, and after a lengthy conversation it was decided I could live in the apartment complex only if I signed a special contract that explicitly stated I would not have sex with my wife. I thought to myself “I don’t know what rumors you have heard, but it isn’t that impressive that it could reach to Minnesota”, but kept it to myself and quietly signed the papers.

It has become one of those great life experiences that sounds to outlandish to be true, but is really funny to share. You have to remember the culture at BYU, sex outside of marriage will totally get you expelled, so while I am not saying it didn’t go on just like other universities, unlike them it is kept very deeply buried in the closet; hidden away as much as possible. The best part of the whole experience though is this is the apartment I shared with the Mo-famous actor Lincoln Hoppe AND I get to tell people even though we have been together about 20 years we did separate for a while.

And now we are fifteen years on from that experience I can freely admit that when I went back to Minnesota for my one visit, Lisa and I totally did it, like several times.

Rejected Book Proposal #1

Given the success of Julie and Julia, wherein some regular Joe tries to imitate somebody well known for fame and fortune, then blogs about it; I have decided to pursue the same path.

Starting next week Lisa and I will be making costumes and actively trying to recreate all of William Shatner's love scenes. It will probably be a Wednesday night thing - so please no phone calls between 9:30 and 9:32 pm - because it is BUSINESS TIME (Making Love for 2, Making love for 2 minutes, because when you are as intense as I am, 2 minutes is all that you need).

We will probably start with this because we already have the outfits and it is pretty close to Lisa's normal hair style.

I suspect Amy Adams will also play me in the movie too.

Honey I think I missed a spot

Nothing will make your evening more than being woken up by a child with explosive and uncontrollable diarrhea. Luckily his room was littered with dirty clothes because that made the clean up a little easier as a lot fell on them. But I still had to strip the bed, pick up the clothes, clean the carpets on the landing (of the stairs) and hallway, and shower the kid. Then I remade the bed and got the laundry started, so all in all a long night – if you don’t count the stress of thinking “Maybe it was something he ate?” Because you know that you and everyone else ate the same thing.
All ended well and he felt better in the morning and nobody else got sick. Then I went into the small bathroom to take a shower before work. Upon shutting the door is when I saw it – the brown smears down its length. Maybe I am a bad man or just a bad father/husband, but I got dressed went downstairs and as I headed out the door said …

I can’t have all the fun; that wouldn’t be fair (or equitable).

Things forgotten

I realized this morning I forgot shaving cream, and my back up plan failed as Rick uses a electric razor. I did learn that you can have a decent shave with hand soap.

But the best is illustrated by this conservation*** from Saturday morning's packing.

Me: Hey, Lisa, where is my card reader for my camera?
Lisa: I packed it already.
Me: Where? I usually pack it with my carry on with my camera.
Lisa: (Said in an EXTREMELY condescending tone) I Packed it in my video camera bag so all the rechargers and readers are in one place. If I left you responsible for anything we would never have anything. Thank goodness that I, the GREAT Lisa, is here, or NOTHING would ever get done. By the way, you are an Idiot for even asking - loser!!!!
Me: What about my battery recharger?
Lisa: WHAT DID I JUST SAY BUTTHEAD!!

Fast forward to about 4 hours into the flight, somewhere over Greenland.
Lisa, popping up from a nap: I forgot the camera bag.
Then somehow she made it into my fault for not packing my own stuff.


***Even though I am pretty convinced this is a word for word conversation, Lisa seems to think it was slightly different. To be fair I will admit I removed the profanities she used when answering me, just because I love her too much to show the rest of you the unvarnished truth.

I Have Smelled the Future

And it isn't good.

Last week Lisa is doing her exercises (you go girl) and she asks me about her gluteals and her hamstrings. Apparently she wasn’t feeling the burn and wanted exercises to activate them. I suggested deads, split squats, and lunges; but I did offer this caveat:

Me: Remember, feeling it doesn’t mean it is working better. In fact it might just mean you are pushing for an injury. Be careful and take it slow.

Lisa (being very, very condescending): Yeah, Yeah, Yeah. I know.

Anyways by the time I get back from work she is basically crippled with several pulled/strained muscles from her lower back through her butt down into her leg. She didn’t get out of bed until Tuesday.

But back to my smellavision. When I get into bed and lift the cover the odor is almost overpowering. The scent of old age and sadness. Lisa reeks of it and in that moment I see our future laid out in front of me, like Paul on the road to Damascus.

If you want to experience it yourself, just rub Ben Gay all over your damn ass, and then cuss.

DON'T YOU DARE JT!!!!

Please Note JT FINALLY lost his first tooth (he truly was the last in his class)

JT comes in the house and finds Lisa.

JT: Mom, Mom. A a guy on the street just told me if I give him a dollar I can hit his car with my stick (JT has small tree limb in his hand).

Lisa: NO! Don't you dare JT. You never hit people's cars and it probably isn't his car anyways.

Lisa tells me this when I get home from work, and how disappointed JT was; I share with her what I know.

That's right. The church across the street is running a charity car bash.

Separate note. Last year I found 67 cents on my bike commuting and walks. This year I am up to 9 cents already. Given that my office is having a walking and cycling contest this summer, I have high hopes of beating that number.

BTW, I finally had to replace someting on my bike, so here is some exclusive full-frontal bike porn of my new crank. Oh yeah baby!

If you are not into the close ups, here is a full body shot. Notice that I work at a large corporate headquarters with several hundred employees, most of them working within 5 miles of the office. I am the only one who rides a bike to work in the whole place. The other two bikes (including the sweet bent) are from the night time cleaning crew. That is pretty sad.

Even More Fun

Do you know what is more fun than trying to talk your Mom through instant messaging on Facebook through the phone? (and I know that is hard to beat)

That would trying to talk your wife through folding an origami box through the phone.

Lisa: Hey, do you remember that box you should me a few weeks ago?
Me: Yeah
Lisa: Can you tell me how to do that, I am teaching a class on geometric shapes.
Me: Okay

And so the fun began.

Anyways, here it is the directions for those of you want to play the home game.

Well, she finally did it

That's right, Lisa has left me. The real surprise is she was true to her threats all these years; she has stuck me with the kids. I thought for sure she would take at least one of them.

What A Question

Lisa and I watched Twilight independently on Monday night, her in Blu-Ray with a bunch of ladies, and me at home on regular DVD. When she finally returned home she walked in and said:


"Did that High School girl have the best breasts you have ever seen in that prom dress?"

I am to honest for my own good and replied:


"While they were nice, and I certainly appreciate them; being a man of 40 years I have seen a lot of breasts and no, they weren't the best I have ever seen."


I could compile a long list of impressive mammaries with some equally impressive pictures, but that isn't what this blog is about. Like I tell Lisa when she refers to her favorite program as "Supernaturals", that is a whole different show.


I think I will leave you with this short clip of a possessor of some very awesome boobies, and the secret of how she got them.

SHUT THE HELL UP!!!

I had to have harsh words with Lisa today. As you know she holds down a variety of part-time jobs, like tax preparer, substitute teacher, and taste tester for a major food company. Well it was the latter that was frustrating her and she was complaining to me about the upcoming schedule. Well, for men everywhere I quietly stood up and began my speech.

"I love you, and respect your efforts in life, but don't you sit there and start moaning about your lot, complaining to those around you, you just need to Shut the HELL UP; because you are living the dream of every red blooded American male - My God woman, You Are Getting Paid To Eat BACON!!!!!!!!"I mean seriously, she goes in for 30 minutes, gets all the bacon she can eat, AND they pay her $20? I know men who would kill for that job. Speaking of bacon:

Maple Bacon Lollipops

Bacon Scarf

Diet Coke with Bacon

Bacon Flavor Floss

Bacon Dispensers - available in restrooms worldwide

And everyone's favorite Bacon - KEVIN

I Can't Win

Lisa asks me at church "How do I look?"

I respond "You look thin"

To which she gets mad at me because obviously she was trying to look cute/sexy, not just thin.

So yes, I got in trouble for calling my wife thin.

Story of Lisa

Inspired by the talk at church yesterday, I feel now would be a good time to share a story about Lisa from before we had the kids. We went to the wonderful Movies 8 in Provo with some friends. In those days Movies 8 was a dollar theater showing movies after general release but before they come out on VHS. Well we went to see Three Men and a Little Lady, which starred a few of the more well known male actors of the day. But one of the female supporting actors was the delightful Fiona Shaw, who most of you now know as Petunia Dursley. In this movie she played a befuddled school mistress who was shamelessly flirting with (and throwing herself at) Tom Selleck's character Peter (who was an architect). In the scene she sees Peter staring out a window at a building and tries to make flirty small talk and says the following:

Miss Elspeth Lomax: I'm sure that's nothing compared to some of your other marvelous erections!

You must remember this was an audience of 200 quiet and reserved BYU (i.e. Mormons) students all trying to make a good impression on their dates. So the little side joke almost slipped by, except one lone soul in the whole place busted out with uncontrolled laughter. After that everyone in the place started laughing, but I think they were laughing at her.

That is one of the reasons I love her. The ability to say situation be damned, I am going to laugh at a good penis joke when I hear it.


PS - I tried to find a video clip online so you could see it, but Googling "marvelous erections" IS NOT A GOOD IDEA.

18 years and counting

Twenty-one short years ago Lisa and I first met at BYU and she relentlessly begged me to go out with her. Three years and one mission later I finally gave in and we met up at the Chicago temple 18 years ago today. I do not want to wax poetic on how lucky she has been, but instead I want to address the question that most people ask; "What is your secret on being such a phenomanal power couple who are way more blissfully happy than we are?"

Well I will tell you it is not as hard as people think. After two years of struggling we spent the money and bought two separate, but equal duvets. That is the true inside secret to an enduring and happy marriage - each having your own blanket at night. Everything else like kids, money, and work will just take care of themselves.
Here is to 18 more.

Even I had thought she could make it longer**

When she who must be obeyed and I were in Target yesterday, she mentioned that they were now selling fleece sheets and then not so subtley directed our cart over to them. Luckily they had a set in the size and color we needed. She casually mentioned I could wrap them for Christmas and we continued shopping. The rest of the time in the store she would mention the sheets and not 20 minutes later we were at the cash register and she states it would be silly to wait. It was already cold here and we needed to use them now. Guess what alledged Christmas gift we slept in last night?
This is how the world would dress if Lisa had her way.

**That's what she said!

The World Gone Crazy!

We were at a friend's house for after fast dinner and all the men (plus my oldest two) were in the basement playing Rock Band, and all the women were upstairs talking. Maybe I am just an old crank, but I think Rock Band is one of the biggest waste of time ever created - I just don't get it at all. This poster says it all.

So I go upstairs and after a while Lisa decides to get the kids off the game so we can go home. After a few minutes all of us upstairs hear Lisa belting the below song as loud as she can.

About 30 minutes later she turns up and states "That game really rocks!"

Am I the only sane man left in America?

Sometimes Life Just Works Out

A new study has linked the gas involved with farting and lower blood pressure. No wonder Lisa has such great blood pressure.

It was hard work

I heard a lot of comment on and off-line about my last two Apple header photographs. I just want to say Lisa spent a lot of time getting in shape for those!!

My Favorite One

For more of the photo's please see Lisa's blog.

She has come a long way...

...but she still has a ways to go.

ME: Hey Lisa, you could get this T-Shirt for the next time you attend a PTA meeting.

LISA (looking at the above T-Shirt): I put the Teacher's Association in the PTA?

ME: No, you put the T&A into the PTA.

LISA (looking very confused): I don't get it?

ME: You do know what T&A stands for don't you?

LISA: No?

ME: It stands for this and this.

LISA: Yeah, I don't think so.

More Annoying Than You would Think

Last time Lisa and I went to a church party - that's right, a church party!!, Lisa was driving. She spent the whole time leaning over, reaching in my lap, and grabbing my nuts.

Tasty for her, aggravating for me!